Feeling Lonely

What does it mean to be lonely? Is loneliness the same as anxiety? Is it normal to feel like an iron fist has a vice grip on your heart? Is it a state of being, an all encompassing feeling or just a temporary state? is it physical, mental, emotional or all 3? Can it be triggered by the simplest thing and then fade as fast as it came? Is it always there, but sometimes brought to the forefront by evolving circumstances? is it simply a reaction to change or is it a separate emotion related to something completely different?

 

I think it is all of those things and more. I definitely believe it is a physical emotion, for me it goes hand in hand with anxiety about being alone, in a strange place, a new situation. The anxiety/loneliness physically for me comes in the form of a severe tightness in the chest, that gradually loosens as I adjust to new circumstances. And Once the loneliness has passed, I usually forget about that feeling and the emotions that go along with it, but the next time I am thrust into a new situation it will resurface suddenly, like being punched in the chest.

 

Why am I talking about this? Because it is happening to me, now. I just "moved" to Washington, DC for a 2 month work rotation. I packed up my stuff, hopped on a plane and was thrust into a new city, new home (hotel), new job, new transportation (metro), new co-workers and new routine. And it has been difficult.

 

i so wish I was one of those people who could transition effortlessly into new adventures without a moment's hesitation, but I'm not. Never have been, and I decided that instead of feeling ashamed or childish because of it, to really think about what was causing it and see if identifying the causes and triggers might alleviate the stress. Because it causes stress to my body, and I don't like it.

 

 I am a worrier by nature, always afraid of bad things happening (death, sickness, job loss) to me or people I love and I deal with it just fine in my normal life. But whenver I am put into a new situation, my worrying goes into overdrive, threatening to cripple me. I have never calculated exactly how long it lasts, i think it depends on the situation. But as quickly as it came, it goes and I go back to feeling normal. I have to make a conscious decision not to let it overcome the opportunities that are presented to me, and I can function normally for the most part. First waking up and right before going to bed are when I feel most vulnerable ( I feel pretty darn vulnerable right now, putting this out there) and getting up and moving forward with my day and quieting my mind enough to sleep take care of it for the most part, but it can feel overwhelming to get out of bed or impossible to fall asleep when your body is that stressed.

 

Anyway, on to much cheerier topics, I am in DC!! I am so excited for the opportunity and I am already lining people up to come visit me! I have walked on the National Mall the past few nights, enjoying the sights and sounds and cool weather. I feel safe here, although I almost got run over by a cab last night and I randomly ran into a guy i dated in high school on the mall the other night. Totally random and fortuitous, because he lives right near my hotel and has invited me to hang out with him and his friends :)