Maybe
it's because the Obamacare decision was just announced, and that I have
been discussing it with co-workers for the past few hours trying to
understand it better. Maybe its because I am in the midst of a thought
provoking conversation with a friend about a situation in college that
pretty much split our group of friends apart.
Or another friend who is stuck in a financial/professional limbo that gives her a lot of anxiety.
All
of these things have converged on my life in the past 2 hours and have
left my head spinning, have sent me back in time to analyze the way I
used to act, why I acted the way I did, if I took responsibility for my
own actions back then, if I do that now, how I let people make me feel,
how I felt about myself, if the people who made me feel a certain way
changed the adult I turned out to be, if I act the way I should as an
adult, and on and on and ON. It also makes me want to research a lot of
this political controversy that is going on, makes me want to help my
friend who is struggling, AND makes me want to take a big nap :)
Let
me mentally prioritize, and hopefully sort out what is going on. I will
take the easiest task first: All I can do for my friend who is stuck in
financial/professional limbo is pray for her, be grateful for my job,
and support her as much as I can as she figures out what comes next.
As
far as ObamaCare, I can educate myself on the issues at hand and use
the information to develop an informed and education decision about who
will be the best person to run our country come November. 2 down, 1 to
go. This one is the most complicated.
Background:
In college, we had a group of friends. One of these friends, S, had a
penchant for starting drama with everyone about anything. I lived with
S&L Junior year, left to study abroad, and moved in with R senior
year. Senior year, S, L and A lived together. A was a new addition to
the group, moving in with S because her parents were friends with S
parents. S had told L that A was crazy, filled her head with bad things
about her, and there was a sour taste from the start. I am having
trouble pinpointing the exact year this happened, maybe senior year,
maybe the following year when I moved back in with A and S, to finish
grad school. (see Sidenote for the ending of my relationship with S).
Here
is the situation that has come back: One night, I
mistakenly told A, that she "wasn't as bad as L said she was", which A
promptly told L, who got really upset and demanded to know who said that
to A. I think (I hope, honestly can't remember) I came clean about what
I said, but the damage was already done. There was yelling, screaming,
tears, lots of drama and heartache more drama involved and the group was
finished. People stopped hanging out with S because of her tendency to
get too drunk, cause trouble and try to steal people's boyfriends and
generally act like an insane person. L&R had moved on to mostly
hanging out with other people, but I lived with R senior year, so I
still hung out with her, and had a foot in both worlds. Now, 4 years
later, nobody talks to S, no
one really talks to A, I talk to D&L and also L&R, who are
totally separate groups from one another. So I again have my foot in
both worlds and thought everything had blown over and everyone had moved
on just fine. Until last night, when D randomly brought up A in a
conversation, and L was compelled to message A on FB, apologizing
for her behavior and for believing what S had said about her. She told A
she didn't have to respond, and says she hopes A doesn't respond, but
wanted to let her know how she felt. This has brought up a lot of
feelings for me: guilt over my ability at the time to accept
responsibility for my actions, my judgement in people's character and
the idea that people can hold onto grudges and hurtful words and drunken
confessions for a lot longer than you think. It really makes me want to
think twice before saying something, which is hard for me to do.
Side
note: my friendship with S ended because near the end of grad school
when we were living together, she got wasted and upset because people
were not paying enough attention to her at the bar, came home, started
packing her car with stuff and tried to drive back to Tampa. I had her
license and credit card from the bar, told her I would give it back to
her when she was sober so she could go home. SHe was stomping around
downstairs when I got out of the shower (at 3am mind you), and I went
down in my towel while brushing my teeth to tell her to calm down. She
charged at me, slammed me into the wall and tried to beat me up. A came
downstairs and yelled at her, and I locked myself in my room, put her
license and credit card on the washing machine at 6am the next day, and
have never seen her again. She messaged me 6 months later saying how
sorry she was and wanted
to be friends again. I politely told her I had put up with her behavior
for far too long, that she was a drain on my life and my relationships
and I haven't had any contact with her since. This is the first time in
my life that I have ended contact with a friend, and I should have done
it a lot sooner. What happened with her, and the fact that I put up with
it for so long without realizing that I didn't deserve people like that
in my life gives me a lot of self-doubt about my judgement of people.
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