Looking Back....

Do you ever look back on your life 2 years ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago and think about how you were "back then"? I have been doing that more often lately, and sometimes when I think about the person I was 5 years ago, or 2 years ago, I feel like I wouldn't recognize that girl anymore. I look back on the decisions that I have made, why I made them, what my mindset was at the time, and the way I reacted to things, and shake my head. For a really long time I don't think I was confident enough in myself to make my own decisions, or I made decisions hastily without thinking. I cringe when I think of some of the decisions I made, and get sad when I think of things that could have gone differently.But I believe things happen for a reason. But sometimes I lose faith in the reasons, faith in my ability to make decisions and faith in myself. It's frustrating and eye opening at the same time, because I am recognizing where I have made mistakes before and I am slowly teaching myself not to make those mistakes again. For me, I am an impulsive, impatient and passionate person, and my reactions sometimes reflect that, as for my decisions in the past that I now wish I could have maybe made a different decision. This insight seems to be a blessing and a curse. Now that I have gotten to thinking about it, I over analyze EVERYTHING! Every decision, reaction, encounter etc, and it gives me anxiety. My impatience is fighting to escape my "grown up" mindset, and doesn't want to wait for things to fall into place. I am working towards trusting the process, enjoying the little moments that you look back on and smile, and to embrace those as precious jewels. Moments like seeing a double rainbow a few hours after telling my friend I thought they were a sign from people above (Thanks Nana), a good conversation with a friend that opened my eyes to some things, the excitement of seeing my sister after 5 months, talking to my grandpa on the phone, just to tell him I was thinking about him, the Carrie Underwood song that makes me think of  Nana. Things that make my heart swell with love and gratitude, and I am working towards using that mentality to convince myself that my life has played out and will play out according to the plan, to stop worrying about where and when, stop comparing myself to others for whom things seem to automatically fall into place, and to soak up every experience I possibly can, good or bad. And just to smile :)

Because most of my infinite wisdom comes from  Pinterest, Friends, Mean Girls or Sex and the City, listen to the ever-wise Carrie Bradshaw:

 

"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."