Goodbye

I have been terrible at blogging lately, and I promise to get better. But I got some really bad news this morning. My sweet nana passed away in her sleep last night. It feels very surreal, but real at the same time. It has been a hard day and it promises to be a hard week ahead, but she was so loved and so loving, and I know she is now an angel watching over us all. 

I love you Nana!

Brain Dump (unedited)

its so frustrating to have so many thoughts swirling around in my head,
so many things that need to be sorted out and I can't even get one thought
out coherently. I am struggling with my thoughts, and I dont feel like I
have a moment alone to process them. I love having visitors, but sometimes
I need to be alone instead of always in a bustle of activity, planning, mothering, working, working out, worrying, wondering what comes next, where my life is going and on and on and on. 

I worry too much about what people think, I feel a need to cross everything off the list, I try to make too many people happy, I get annoyed with people so easily, I cant figure out where I want to go with my life, I
am not sure how to deal with my feelings, I feel too much guilt over things I can't control. I don't know that i can tell a good relationship from a bad one, I forget what it feels like to be in love, I am not sure if I will ever meet someone who loves me for who I am, I am afraid to do some things alone,  but then I feel like I am missing out by not doing them. Most of the time I relish my independence and freedom, and sometimes I feel really alone. i feel like I rant and rave more than normal, and that I don't really have a good sounding board to bounce my ideas off of. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, and it is hard to find a sincere listener, even if you are just rambling about crap. I think that's why significant others were created, you are either so infatuated, smitten or in love with the person that you will listen to them ramble about work and stupid day to day crap. Most people dont understand what I do, so its hard for people to relate when I talk about work.  I wish I could let this stuff go, and not have to rant about it to anyone.

I am tired of being the one who has to do everything, who gives into
pressure and tries to make everyone happy. I don't want to feel guilty anymore about what I might be missing out on when I don't do something that someone wants me to. I dont want to mother people who are adults, I dont want to have to always be the entertainer, the planner, the line leader. I deserve to be happy and to be free to make my own choices without guilt. This will be my project with myself. To forgive my mistakes from the past, to look forward with a positive attitude and to do things because they make me happy, and not because someone else thinks I should do it.

This may be selfish, but it bothers me to a point where something needs to change. It is time for me to worry about controlling my own life. It may mean my relationships are changing, but I need to come first. I need to work within my circle of influence, and not within my circle of concern (thank you 7 habits of highly effective people class). This means offering advice when specifically asked, but not offering it unrequested. This means letting people be who they are, and not let it bother me the way it does. It also means not caring so much what people think about me and how I act and what I do.

 I am realizing that I am completely neurotic, and I think I have issues with things that other people can easily skip over. At least because I am within my circle of influence, I can control it to some extent. I just wish I knew where to start. Maybe with letting other people be who they are and not wasting time or energy complaining about them, or letting things they do get under my skin. Next is caring less what people think about me, and focusing on myself, the dreams and plans and moves that I need to be working towards. That seems like enough to occupy me for a while...

Maybe I can use this blog to hold me accountable for making progress.....

Weekend Update

Weekend Update: (Yes, posted during a weekend, after the one I wrote about. fail)

Danielle came to visit me, I crossed several things off my to do list, and we celebrated Danielle passing the bar!

Thursday: a hilarious and delicious dinner with my friend Brad and his college friends. lots of laughing, great sangria and DELICIOUS pizza at Pizzeria Paradiso in DuPont Circle. One of the most fun nights I have had in a while.

Friday: Up early to get tickets to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, then back to get dressed and ready. Went to National Archives, which were really cool but we waited in line for almost an hour and then had to rush around before going to BOE. BOE was cool to see, but I am not sure it was worth getting up so early and having to cut our trip to the Archives short. We went home, napped and went to Shake Shack for dinner (great burgers, but I still like 5 guys better). Then we met Danielle's friend at Front Page in DuPont, then moved to Dirty Martini (worst and most expensive long island ever, fail) and met up with my friend Jonah at another bar in Dupont for a little bit.

Saturday: I had trouble getting out of bed, but we dragged ourselves out into the cloudy day to tour Annapolis. We at at a yummy seafood restaurant (crab dip, crab balls and turkey clubs, yum) and got a private tour of the Naval Academy and downtown Annapolis courtesy of my friend Chris. We walked around, saw a crazy, drunken croquet event that is a social event of frat-tastic proportions (lots of crazy outfits). Saturday night we crashed, couldn't even get up to get dinner, ended up ordering pizza from Pizza Hut and going to sleep. Oops

Sunday: Danielle dragged me out of bed and we assembled ourselves to go to the American History museum (after I had us waiting in the line for the National Art Gallery for almost 30 minutes before I realized we were in the wrong place-epic fail). We hit the highlights of American History and then rented bikes for the trek back to my hotel. Then I went to yoga while Danielle napped, and we hopped back on our bikes and rode down for our self-guided biking night  tour of the monuments. Capital Bike Share is great, except you can only ride for 30 minutes before they charge you extra $$. so we rode like maniacs from one monument to another and frantically searched for a docking station only to take them out 10 seconds later...annoying. Then we ate cereal for dinner, watched tv and went to bed. I couldn't sleep, I had a strange dream about my dog, Kellie, who died 5 years ago and it was just a wonky night. I have a lot on my mind, and now I am thrust into another work week.

Missing Something

My life is so blessed. I have the most amazing family, great friends, a job that I am happy with that lets me travel, a home, my health and countless other blessings. but sometimes, something still feels like it is missing.

I'm sure you can see where this is going, but I am realizing that this is a process, and I won't have all the answers right away, and that is ok. There are a few underlying issues that I think I need to address with my heart and mind, and that is part of my process. I need to allow my heart to open, fully, to God's plan for me. I have always had my strong Catholic faith as a presence in my life, but now it is time for me to strengthen my own relationship with God. As I am typing this, I had major deja vu, it serves as another reminder that this is something important. I have felt something tugging at my heart for a while now, but have not been the most successful at slowing down my mind enough to let some things in my past and present go, and truly allow my heart to be open. 

I work my feelings out through physical activity. I leave my feelings on the soccer field, on the sidewalk beneath my running shoes, dance it out in zumba, or twist, sweat and invert my feelings out on my yoga mat. That is my stress reliever, and an essential part of my life, and for a long time it was enough. now it is time to add things back in, mentally and emotionally. 

Big picture, this means figuring out who I am, but not by trying to answer some questions or be able to tell people who I am. It is embarking on a journey where the destination is unknown, but trusting that God is there every step of the way. It may seem like a daunting task, but I am confident that this is the right direction, and by devoting some time to enhance my relationship with God, my heart will open and I will start to learn my true path.

Here we go! I can't wait!

Washington Observer Week 1

Here are some of my observations about the population I encounter in my daily commute to and from work: 

 

You must carry two bags, and one of them should be a longchamp bag 

 

accessories: BOLD  

 

Lots of black business attire, but also lots of: Neon Fingernails!

Bob haircuts

 

 Scarves/layers

 Trench coats

Constant honking

Taxi drivers WILL mistake you for a piece of street trash, and try to run you over, even if you have a walk sign

People are not afraid to STARE at you

Washingtonians LOVE love happy hour

Tourists will take up the whole freaking sidewalk so you have to awkwardly walk through them if you want to get anywhere

 

City life, public transit, SOOOO many people. I am getting used to it and actually quite enjoy it. Never a dull moment!

 

Sorry it's late, I should be working on week 2!!!

 

 

Easter Wishes (late)

Happy Easter! I hope you all had a blessed day celebrating the light and life of the Risen Lord! (Sorry I'm late!)

 

I love this video, of a flash mob in a mall food court of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus. This song always brings tears to my eyes, because it is so beautiful, moving and has such a wonderful message.Catholics normally sing this song at Easter to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, and it always moves me to tears to move from darkness to light. No matter what it means to you, it is a beautifully sung song, and I just love it.

Enjoy!

The Alleluia comes to us from Hebrew, and it means "praise Yahweh." Traditionally, it has been seen as the chief term of praise of the choirs of angels, as they worship around the throne of God in Heaven. During Lent, however, our focus is on the Kingdom coming, not on the Kingdom having come. The readings in the Masses for Lent and in the Liturgy of the Hours focus heavily on the spiritual journey of Old Testament Israel toward the coming of Christ, and the salvation of mankind in His death and resurrection.We, too, are on a spiritual journey, toward the Second Coming and our future life in Heaven. In order to emphasize that journey, the Church, during Lent, removes the Alleluia from the Mass. We no longer sing with the choirs of angels; instead, we acknowledge our sins and practice repentance so that one day we may again have the privilege of worshiping God as the angels do.That day come triumphally on Easter Sunday—or, rather, at the Easter Vigil, on Holy Saturday night, when the priest chants a triple Alleluia before he reads the Gospel, and everyone present responds with a triple Alleluia. The Lord is risen; the Kingdom has come; our joy is complete; and, in concert with the angels and saints, we greet the risen Lord with shouts of "Alleluia!"

Feeling Lonely

What does it mean to be lonely? Is loneliness the same as anxiety? Is it normal to feel like an iron fist has a vice grip on your heart? Is it a state of being, an all encompassing feeling or just a temporary state? is it physical, mental, emotional or all 3? Can it be triggered by the simplest thing and then fade as fast as it came? Is it always there, but sometimes brought to the forefront by evolving circumstances? is it simply a reaction to change or is it a separate emotion related to something completely different?

 

I think it is all of those things and more. I definitely believe it is a physical emotion, for me it goes hand in hand with anxiety about being alone, in a strange place, a new situation. The anxiety/loneliness physically for me comes in the form of a severe tightness in the chest, that gradually loosens as I adjust to new circumstances. And Once the loneliness has passed, I usually forget about that feeling and the emotions that go along with it, but the next time I am thrust into a new situation it will resurface suddenly, like being punched in the chest.

 

Why am I talking about this? Because it is happening to me, now. I just "moved" to Washington, DC for a 2 month work rotation. I packed up my stuff, hopped on a plane and was thrust into a new city, new home (hotel), new job, new transportation (metro), new co-workers and new routine. And it has been difficult.

 

i so wish I was one of those people who could transition effortlessly into new adventures without a moment's hesitation, but I'm not. Never have been, and I decided that instead of feeling ashamed or childish because of it, to really think about what was causing it and see if identifying the causes and triggers might alleviate the stress. Because it causes stress to my body, and I don't like it.

 

 I am a worrier by nature, always afraid of bad things happening (death, sickness, job loss) to me or people I love and I deal with it just fine in my normal life. But whenver I am put into a new situation, my worrying goes into overdrive, threatening to cripple me. I have never calculated exactly how long it lasts, i think it depends on the situation. But as quickly as it came, it goes and I go back to feeling normal. I have to make a conscious decision not to let it overcome the opportunities that are presented to me, and I can function normally for the most part. First waking up and right before going to bed are when I feel most vulnerable ( I feel pretty darn vulnerable right now, putting this out there) and getting up and moving forward with my day and quieting my mind enough to sleep take care of it for the most part, but it can feel overwhelming to get out of bed or impossible to fall asleep when your body is that stressed.

 

Anyway, on to much cheerier topics, I am in DC!! I am so excited for the opportunity and I am already lining people up to come visit me! I have walked on the National Mall the past few nights, enjoying the sights and sounds and cool weather. I feel safe here, although I almost got run over by a cab last night and I randomly ran into a guy i dated in high school on the mall the other night. Totally random and fortuitous, because he lives right near my hotel and has invited me to hang out with him and his friends :)