Missing Something

My life is so blessed. I have the most amazing family, great friends, a job that I am happy with that lets me travel, a home, my health and countless other blessings. but sometimes, something still feels like it is missing.

I'm sure you can see where this is going, but I am realizing that this is a process, and I won't have all the answers right away, and that is ok. There are a few underlying issues that I think I need to address with my heart and mind, and that is part of my process. I need to allow my heart to open, fully, to God's plan for me. I have always had my strong Catholic faith as a presence in my life, but now it is time for me to strengthen my own relationship with God. As I am typing this, I had major deja vu, it serves as another reminder that this is something important. I have felt something tugging at my heart for a while now, but have not been the most successful at slowing down my mind enough to let some things in my past and present go, and truly allow my heart to be open. 

I work my feelings out through physical activity. I leave my feelings on the soccer field, on the sidewalk beneath my running shoes, dance it out in zumba, or twist, sweat and invert my feelings out on my yoga mat. That is my stress reliever, and an essential part of my life, and for a long time it was enough. now it is time to add things back in, mentally and emotionally. 

Big picture, this means figuring out who I am, but not by trying to answer some questions or be able to tell people who I am. It is embarking on a journey where the destination is unknown, but trusting that God is there every step of the way. It may seem like a daunting task, but I am confident that this is the right direction, and by devoting some time to enhance my relationship with God, my heart will open and I will start to learn my true path.

Here we go! I can't wait!

Washington Observer Week 1

Here are some of my observations about the population I encounter in my daily commute to and from work: 

 

You must carry two bags, and one of them should be a longchamp bag 

 

accessories: BOLD  

 

Lots of black business attire, but also lots of: Neon Fingernails!

Bob haircuts

 

 Scarves/layers

 Trench coats

Constant honking

Taxi drivers WILL mistake you for a piece of street trash, and try to run you over, even if you have a walk sign

People are not afraid to STARE at you

Washingtonians LOVE love happy hour

Tourists will take up the whole freaking sidewalk so you have to awkwardly walk through them if you want to get anywhere

 

City life, public transit, SOOOO many people. I am getting used to it and actually quite enjoy it. Never a dull moment!

 

Sorry it's late, I should be working on week 2!!!

 

 

Easter Wishes (late)

Happy Easter! I hope you all had a blessed day celebrating the light and life of the Risen Lord! (Sorry I'm late!)

 

I love this video, of a flash mob in a mall food court of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus. This song always brings tears to my eyes, because it is so beautiful, moving and has such a wonderful message.Catholics normally sing this song at Easter to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, and it always moves me to tears to move from darkness to light. No matter what it means to you, it is a beautifully sung song, and I just love it.

Enjoy!

The Alleluia comes to us from Hebrew, and it means "praise Yahweh." Traditionally, it has been seen as the chief term of praise of the choirs of angels, as they worship around the throne of God in Heaven. During Lent, however, our focus is on the Kingdom coming, not on the Kingdom having come. The readings in the Masses for Lent and in the Liturgy of the Hours focus heavily on the spiritual journey of Old Testament Israel toward the coming of Christ, and the salvation of mankind in His death and resurrection.We, too, are on a spiritual journey, toward the Second Coming and our future life in Heaven. In order to emphasize that journey, the Church, during Lent, removes the Alleluia from the Mass. We no longer sing with the choirs of angels; instead, we acknowledge our sins and practice repentance so that one day we may again have the privilege of worshiping God as the angels do.That day come triumphally on Easter Sunday—or, rather, at the Easter Vigil, on Holy Saturday night, when the priest chants a triple Alleluia before he reads the Gospel, and everyone present responds with a triple Alleluia. The Lord is risen; the Kingdom has come; our joy is complete; and, in concert with the angels and saints, we greet the risen Lord with shouts of "Alleluia!"

Feeling Lonely

What does it mean to be lonely? Is loneliness the same as anxiety? Is it normal to feel like an iron fist has a vice grip on your heart? Is it a state of being, an all encompassing feeling or just a temporary state? is it physical, mental, emotional or all 3? Can it be triggered by the simplest thing and then fade as fast as it came? Is it always there, but sometimes brought to the forefront by evolving circumstances? is it simply a reaction to change or is it a separate emotion related to something completely different?

 

I think it is all of those things and more. I definitely believe it is a physical emotion, for me it goes hand in hand with anxiety about being alone, in a strange place, a new situation. The anxiety/loneliness physically for me comes in the form of a severe tightness in the chest, that gradually loosens as I adjust to new circumstances. And Once the loneliness has passed, I usually forget about that feeling and the emotions that go along with it, but the next time I am thrust into a new situation it will resurface suddenly, like being punched in the chest.

 

Why am I talking about this? Because it is happening to me, now. I just "moved" to Washington, DC for a 2 month work rotation. I packed up my stuff, hopped on a plane and was thrust into a new city, new home (hotel), new job, new transportation (metro), new co-workers and new routine. And it has been difficult.

 

i so wish I was one of those people who could transition effortlessly into new adventures without a moment's hesitation, but I'm not. Never have been, and I decided that instead of feeling ashamed or childish because of it, to really think about what was causing it and see if identifying the causes and triggers might alleviate the stress. Because it causes stress to my body, and I don't like it.

 

 I am a worrier by nature, always afraid of bad things happening (death, sickness, job loss) to me or people I love and I deal with it just fine in my normal life. But whenver I am put into a new situation, my worrying goes into overdrive, threatening to cripple me. I have never calculated exactly how long it lasts, i think it depends on the situation. But as quickly as it came, it goes and I go back to feeling normal. I have to make a conscious decision not to let it overcome the opportunities that are presented to me, and I can function normally for the most part. First waking up and right before going to bed are when I feel most vulnerable ( I feel pretty darn vulnerable right now, putting this out there) and getting up and moving forward with my day and quieting my mind enough to sleep take care of it for the most part, but it can feel overwhelming to get out of bed or impossible to fall asleep when your body is that stressed.

 

Anyway, on to much cheerier topics, I am in DC!! I am so excited for the opportunity and I am already lining people up to come visit me! I have walked on the National Mall the past few nights, enjoying the sights and sounds and cool weather. I feel safe here, although I almost got run over by a cab last night and I randomly ran into a guy i dated in high school on the mall the other night. Totally random and fortuitous, because he lives right near my hotel and has invited me to hang out with him and his friends :)

Weekend Update

 My seester came to visit me :) She is pretty much my favorite person in the world, and together we are the goofiest duo you will ever meet. It was a  bittersweet weekend because I won't see her again until August (gasp). I am going to DC for April and May for work, and she is studying abroad in Florence, Italy from May through July, and I don't know if I will have a chance to visit her. So we we had emotional meltdowns in the panera parking lot, and then i had 3 or 4 more during the day. We suck at goodbyes :( But we had a great weekend together!
I left work early on Friday to meet her at my apartment and went to a bar to watch fsu beat (barely) St  Bonaventure in March Madness. Then we were supposed to go to the mall, but instead took naps until 830, then went to publix to get food (aka meaning stuff for grilled cheese and cheetos). Then we watched The Help, and went to bed. Saturday we went to the pool and i got some ugly blotchy sunburns because of my carelessness in putting on my spray sunscreen. I swear I am the absolute queen of bad sunburns. My mom got my sister hooked on the Hunger Games, so she dove right into my copy of the 2nd book and i couldnt pry her away from it :) Then we went to dinner with the parents. I love family dinners, and with Emily away at school and me living across town, and everyone working and being busy it doesnt happen often. Then I went out  to celebrate St Patty's day downtown. What a s*&% show,! some people can't handle day drinking, and were a hot mess by 9pm. Sunday I met the family for breakfast, then we had our emotional meltdowns and I was still crying at the car wash. Then I ran errands, took a nap, sat on my couch, did not work out, felt really guilty, went to target and ate pizza. I couldnt stay up to watch FSU in their 3rd round game March Madness game, but I got a text from my dad let me know that they lost :( The expectation was high for them this year, and I am disappointed that they couldn't deliver. And my bracket is pretty much ruined :( fail. Now I am back at work, with a case of the  Mondays. I'm already ready for this weekend when my friend Lauren and her bf come to town, Hunger Games comes out (AHH!) and I go to Bay Hill Invitation with Dad :)

Help! Blog Designer wanted!

So as I have tried my best to navigate the world of widgets and favicons and all things that go into making my favorite blogs so fun and interesting, and I look at my own blog and I am disappointed I don't really like my layout and I don't like the design and I want my blog to have a button, maybe a book tracker, a list of blogs I follow, signature, more pictures etc. What most normal people have on their blog. And given my apparent inability to do this myself, I am willing to pay a reasonable price to have someone do it for me (what is a reasonable price?). If any or all of you that read (maybe its zero people that read this?) have any recommendations for a designer who can give me a simple, but fun and interesting blog design, I am all ears :)

Thanks!

The Search for the Perfect Jean

I am on a mission, a quest: to find the perfect pair of jeans. I have two pairs of perfect, go out, wear with heels, make my legs look skinny and my butt less flat than it really is. But I only get to wear those occasionally because I only usually wear heels at work or going out. So I am on the hunt for a perfect pair of wear everyday, skinny, comfortable, very dark wash, falls to the perfect length that i can wear them with flip flops, flats, boots or sandals, not jeggings, give the backside a little lift and all around make me feel fabulous. I impulse purchased a pair of $158 Paige Premium denim jeans yesterday, but they might be too tight in the legs for my comfort. And I had some buyer's remorse, so I don't know if I will keep them. My eyes and ears are open for suggestions :)