More Honesty, Vulnerability and anger

This was written a few months ago, one of the first posts I put to my computer. Things have since improved, but it's easy to go back and remember how tightly wound I was at this point)

 

I have been increasingly frustrated, irritated annoyed, edgy, snappy and tense in the past few weeks/months. I can't pinpoint it to a particular person, event  or situation, but a combination of all those things, plus something nagging somewhere in the back of my brain that I can't fully identify . I feel like my jaw is permanently locked in a grimace, that my facial muscles cannot relax, and that my head is always on the verge of exploding. I wake up with a tense jaw every morning, and it is really starting to bother me because it doesn't start the day off positively. I have been doing my darndest to release my stress through exercise have been running for marathonfest, playing soccer 3 times a week and going to zumba as much as possible, but id doesnt seem to be helping. exercise usually helps me decompress when things are upsetting me, but it doesnt seem to be enough these days.

 

I want to spend lots of time alone, not having to talk to anyone.  my temper/attention span seem to be on a short leash, and i feel like i am gnashing my teeth together several times a day to avoid saying the mean, hurtful and disrespectful things that  threaten to escape my mouth.

For the most part, I am frustrated with myself (and being hypercritical). For letting myself be bothered by things that people with small minds and small hearts say and do. For worrying too much what others think, for holding onto grudges and ugly feelings. For feeling like i dont do enough but not doing something about it. by being overwhelmed by my job, and not balancing my personal time in the most productive way. for not reading mroe and watching too much tv because it feels less stressful on my brain. for spending too much money on silly things to fill a void i dont want to think about .for allowing myself to hold onto sad thoughts, instead of letting them go and letting God handle my life. for not flossing every day and being afraid of my dentist appointment next week. for not being prayerful enough and not taking time to focus on my faith in oder to keep my heart light and let things unfold as they will. for not eating enough fruits and veggies and leaving clothes all over my room all the time. to not wash my dishes right away or clean out the fridge as often as i should, or take out the trash.

 

i feel criticized a lot, by people who i feel are not in a position to criticize. i feel like criticism has taken itself to a new level, or maybe i am more sensitive to it in my heightened state of barely controlled rage. little digs that normally wouldnt even cause me a stir, have me fighting for control of my emotions to avoid an outburst.osmething as simple being called lame  for no good reason had me prickling.