Birthday Thoughts

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I will be 26 years old.

My past few birthdays have brought up some anxiety and restless thoughts that I normally wouldn't associate with a happy celebration time.

I can't figure out why birthdays feel like lonely times, maybe because of the expectations associated with birthdays. That the whole day is supposed to be full of magic and presents and surprises, like it was during childhood. A day that was 100% about you, no worries or concerns :) My parents made sure I always had a great birthday: coming to have lunch with me in elementary school (which was a HUGE deal), bringing chick fila breakfast, balloons and cupcakes for me and my friends in middle and high school, and surprising me in Tallahassee on my 21st birthday in college. 

Adult birthdays have lost their luster, and I don't like that.

I wish I could still feel all that excitement, magic and anticipation, but I don't know how to get it back.

I am really excited for what my 26th year of life has to offer: travelling to different places, getting involved in more activities (triathalon? junior league? volunteering?), trying new ways to stay in shape, and be happy, healthy and fit.

I am going to make it a great year!

Bring it on 26, I am ready for you :)

I wish I had some pictures of me on past birthdays, but they aren't on my computer :(

Information Overload

i am having information overload. and its my own fault

as i sit here on my computer, with the TV on, with my phone having sat beside me all day (i finally just punished it into my bedroom), there are too many thoughts swirling in my head. too many stimuli. i have too many browser windows open, yet it feels comforting not to be left alone with my own thoughts. 

facebook, twitter, text messages, blogs, pinterest, tv, phone calls, conversations, significant others, roommates, family members, pets friends, books, magazines.

i feel like our society needs/demands constant access to social connection, a sounding board, a place to put thoughts out, to feel relevant, connected, important. retweets, comments, likes, responses, phone calls, all making us feel the comfort of connection. i seek it too, but i dont know if the purpose is to keep us grounded, but i feel like it keeps me in a state of distended ignorance. not able to sift through my actual feelings.

i wish my mind were more quiet, that i didnt feel that same need to be connected, yet i feel like having an outlet is one of the only ways to truly cleanse my overloaded brain of some of the stresses and worries of everyday life.

i am torn. but i want it to be quiet. my mind, my life. maybe then i can answer some of the questions my heart and soul are asking, and maybe i wont have to reach out into the wide expanse of social medium to get an answer. maybe if i am quiet enough, i will be able to hear the answer that my heart is trying to tell me,

Venting

i need to vent. i have a lot going on in my head. i dont ever feel like i can escape from it. a lot of it has to do with my need to do the right thing: to be the daughter/sister/friend/teammate/employee/therapist/party planner that people need me to be. i need to talk to someone about how i am feeling and what is going on in my life, but everyone else has things going on in their own lives. jobs lost, money issues, illness, sickness, old age, death, a combination of all those things. but this is how i feel.

i feel buried under my own expectations. expectations of my surroundings, of where i am in my life, where i am going, what am i doing. who i am.

these expectations that have bred fear., uncertainty, anxiety, self depracation, frustration, irritation, rudeness, exasperation. i dont knwo where to turn for help, and i feel like i am drowning in myself. and then i feel selfish and guilty for drowning in what feels like self pity.

the cycle has started with me and my need to please everyone. but what if at the end of the day i am not pleasing myself?

I have been here before. its just a bump in the road, and i will get through it. but this time i want to make sure i do it the right way, and find the real reason behind my feelings and work it out for myself.

Attitude is everything

{Psalm 37:4}

Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

I had this tattooed on myself for a reason. Now it is time to find that reason again.