It's here. The most important football game in FSU's season. More important than playing (then) Top Ranked Oklahoma in Tallahassee early in the season. More important than beating Miami. And more important than trying to make the most of a mediocre 7-4 season. This one is for all the marbles, especially for me. Living in Central Florida, where the Florida Gators 2 hours away in Gainesville, means bandwagon fan central. Tons of members of "Gator Nation", most of whom have never set foot on the campus, let alone graduate from there, all proclaiming the greatness that is Florida. Well, I am tired of hearing it. I am tired of Victoria's Secret not selling its Pink gear in garnet and gold south of Jacksonville, and I am tired of hearing about them in general. It is time for FSU to take back the state, just like they did last year :) The stakes aren't nearly as high as they were in the 90's when the winner would determine which team went to the BCS National Championship, but there is still an incredible amount of pride riding on this game. I will be praying and watching intensely, and I believe my boys in Garnet and Gold can get it done in the Swamp.
Scalp Em!
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Friday, November 25, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
More Honesty, Vulnerability and anger
This was written a few months ago, one of the first posts I put to my computer. Things have since improved, but it's easy to go back and remember how tightly wound I was at this point)
I have been increasingly frustrated, irritated annoyed, edgy, snappy and tense in the past few weeks/months. I can't pinpoint it to a particular person, event or situation, but a combination of all those things, plus something nagging somewhere in the back of my brain that I can't fully identify . I feel like my jaw is permanently locked in a grimace, that my facial muscles cannot relax, and that my head is always on the verge of exploding. I wake up with a tense jaw every morning, and it is really starting to bother me because it doesn't start the day off positively. I have been doing my darndest to release my stress through exercise have been running for marathonfest, playing soccer 3 times a week and going to zumba as much as possible, but id doesnt seem to be helping. exercise usually helps me decompress when things are upsetting me, but it doesnt seem to be enough these days.
I want to spend lots of time alone, not having to talk to anyone. my temper/attention span seem to be on a short leash, and i feel like i am gnashing my teeth together several times a day to avoid saying the mean, hurtful and disrespectful things that threaten to escape my mouth.
For the most part, I am frustrated with myself (and being hypercritical). For letting myself be bothered by things that people with small minds and small hearts say and do. For worrying too much what others think, for holding onto grudges and ugly feelings. For feeling like i dont do enough but not doing something about it. by being overwhelmed by my job, and not balancing my personal time in the most productive way. for not reading mroe and watching too much tv because it feels less stressful on my brain. for spending too much money on silly things to fill a void i dont want to think about .for allowing myself to hold onto sad thoughts, instead of letting them go and letting God handle my life. for not flossing every day and being afraid of my dentist appointment next week. for not being prayerful enough and not taking time to focus on my faith in oder to keep my heart light and let things unfold as they will. for not eating enough fruits and veggies and leaving clothes all over my room all the time. to not wash my dishes right away or clean out the fridge as often as i should, or take out the trash.
For the most part, I am frustrated with myself (and being hypercritical). For letting myself be bothered by things that people with small minds and small hearts say and do. For worrying too much what others think, for holding onto grudges and ugly feelings. For feeling like i dont do enough but not doing something about it. by being overwhelmed by my job, and not balancing my personal time in the most productive way. for not reading mroe and watching too much tv because it feels less stressful on my brain. for spending too much money on silly things to fill a void i dont want to think about .for allowing myself to hold onto sad thoughts, instead of letting them go and letting God handle my life. for not flossing every day and being afraid of my dentist appointment next week. for not being prayerful enough and not taking time to focus on my faith in oder to keep my heart light and let things unfold as they will. for not eating enough fruits and veggies and leaving clothes all over my room all the time. to not wash my dishes right away or clean out the fridge as often as i should, or take out the trash.
Honesty and Vulnerability
(This was written at a low point a few weeks back. I was feeling lonely and vulnerable and lost. Please excuse all the typos)
My heart and mind are heavy tonight. very heavy. heavy with fear, fear of death, fear of being alone in my hour of need, fear of being robbed again, fear of failure, fear of lonliness, fear of accidents, sickness, cancer, loss. with worry, guilt, with judgement of myself, of others and others judgement on me, with shame for caring what people think, for thinking ugly thoughts and saying ugly words, with lonliness, resentment, insecurity, uncertainty, jealousy, regret, sadness, exhaustion, grief, inadequacy.Some of these burdens arent even mine, they are factors of outside life seeping in, stories of others going through much more painful days than i am. it offers perspective, but also more fear and sadness. fear of being jaded, fear of getting hurt, fear of being emotionally guarded, but emotionally fragile at the same time. fear of only having my parents to depend on. fear of sleepless nights, and godless nights. and mostly fear of not giving God enough room in my heart and my mind to show me my path, my worth and my call to serve in his name....why cant i lighten my emtional and meantal load enough to let god in...
My thoughts on College Football
(Note: this was written immediately after a heart wrenching loss to a mediocre team, there may have been a few angry tears swiped away as I wrote this)
I am a little wary about lifelong commitments in my personal life. little did i realize that i signed up for one over 7 years ago, and i am certainly feeling the strain.
your allegiance to your alma mater can run the gamut from a casual fling to a full blown marriage. that relationship is established sometimes before birth, sometimes from the first time you step on the campus (me) and feel a tweak on your heart, like this is your new home. Your allegience to the sports team (ehemm football) evolves the same way, and can be casual or committed. once you have committed, you cannot get out. it is like a marriage that cannot be annulled and you cannot be divorcd from. it can be BRUTAL, gut wrenching (literally) and so highly emotional it can be overwhelming and completely overtake your mood on certain fall saturdays. You feel disappointment when your team (spouse) doesnt live up to the expectations you have set for them, overjoyed when they do well. but you rise and fall together, like a never ending tide ebbing and flowing.
right now my tides are ebbing towards gut wrenching and disappointing. but the tide and the wave, and the underlying rip currents are interlinked, never to be separated no matter how much you want to. my life would have much less stress and grief if i wasnt compelled by a force greater than me to plan my fall weekend activities around the time and place that the garnet and gold of the florida state university will take to the turf. i would feel less disappointment, anxiety and true heartbreak when all the expectations that were set by out side forces are sorely mistaken, and you find yourself below .500 6 weeks into the greatest time of the year. the comittment was solidified many years ago, when i was too young and naive to realise the lifelong impact this relationship would take. for better or for worse, i am tied to the florida state seminoles in all of their rookie mistakes, bad calls, missed catches and lack of common sense plays. i denounce them on a weekly basis, trying desperately to find another team to cheer on without having heart palpitations and a pile of ripped coasters at the table.but you dont feel that pull with a team that isnt your own. there is no chemisty with the other team, no semblence of the 7+ year committed relationship with fsu. it doesnt work. so week after week, play after play, disappointment after triumph, we are on this long road together. forever.
Scalp Em!
I am a little wary about lifelong commitments in my personal life. little did i realize that i signed up for one over 7 years ago, and i am certainly feeling the strain.
your allegiance to your alma mater can run the gamut from a casual fling to a full blown marriage. that relationship is established sometimes before birth, sometimes from the first time you step on the campus (me) and feel a tweak on your heart, like this is your new home. Your allegience to the sports team (ehemm football) evolves the same way, and can be casual or committed. once you have committed, you cannot get out. it is like a marriage that cannot be annulled and you cannot be divorcd from. it can be BRUTAL, gut wrenching (literally) and so highly emotional it can be overwhelming and completely overtake your mood on certain fall saturdays. You feel disappointment when your team (spouse) doesnt live up to the expectations you have set for them, overjoyed when they do well. but you rise and fall together, like a never ending tide ebbing and flowing.
right now my tides are ebbing towards gut wrenching and disappointing. but the tide and the wave, and the underlying rip currents are interlinked, never to be separated no matter how much you want to. my life would have much less stress and grief if i wasnt compelled by a force greater than me to plan my fall weekend activities around the time and place that the garnet and gold of the florida state university will take to the turf. i would feel less disappointment, anxiety and true heartbreak when all the expectations that were set by out side forces are sorely mistaken, and you find yourself below .500 6 weeks into the greatest time of the year. the comittment was solidified many years ago, when i was too young and naive to realise the lifelong impact this relationship would take. for better or for worse, i am tied to the florida state seminoles in all of their rookie mistakes, bad calls, missed catches and lack of common sense plays. i denounce them on a weekly basis, trying desperately to find another team to cheer on without having heart palpitations and a pile of ripped coasters at the table.but you dont feel that pull with a team that isnt your own. there is no chemisty with the other team, no semblence of the 7+ year committed relationship with fsu. it doesnt work. so week after week, play after play, disappointment after triumph, we are on this long road together. forever.
Scalp Em!
Catching Up #2
Tonight marks the end of a rather stressful, sort of strange weekend/week/weekend. I say marks the end as I am hoping next week will be less of a funk. It started last weekend, I went out of town with my family and I began to feel detached, like I didn't know where I belonged. Not sure who I was, what i was doing or where i was going. i cant figure out exactly what caused it, but it definitely leaked into my work week.
additionally, i had to have an uncomfortable conversation with a guy friend, I won't go into all the details, but this situation had been stressing me out for a few weeks, but i finally reached a breaking point (literally, and at work, thank god for my sweet friend who sat there wide eyed as i hyperventilated and on the verge of tears). but when i brought up the topic with my friend, i was made to feel like my concerns had no merit, and there was no real dialogue involved, and i hung up the phone feeling very confused. It was disappointing to feel like my friend blew off how I was feeling.
i think part of my funk recently has been not being sure who i can trust, who has my best interests at heart, and why i spend time with people who i cannot trust or confide in. I have struggled with my friendships in the past few years, mostly struggling with the people i count as my friends, and not always choosing people who i can trust, and confide in.... ugh i don't know how i feel about this because i cant think of the words to articulate. its just that i have seen some bonds of true friendship in action, and i felt saddened because i don't feel like i have that kind of friendship on that level. the level i am talking about is middle of the night, 24/7, rush to my side, do or die friendships. and i know that its different now because my friends are spread all over the country, but knowing you have those kinds of friends is very comforting, and i am not sure how many of those i have/had. ugh.
i am also in need of re-evaluating my time management, which i feel lacks in the personal growth/spiritual development. i get icky feelings about things that happen in my life, things that i do, and things that i let other people do to me, but i never really give myself the time to digest the information and formulate a solution. mostly i just move forward as best i can. but i want to write this blog as a reflection of my personal journey as i try to figure myself out.
additionally, i had to have an uncomfortable conversation with a guy friend, I won't go into all the details, but this situation had been stressing me out for a few weeks, but i finally reached a breaking point (literally, and at work, thank god for my sweet friend who sat there wide eyed as i hyperventilated and on the verge of tears). but when i brought up the topic with my friend, i was made to feel like my concerns had no merit, and there was no real dialogue involved, and i hung up the phone feeling very confused. It was disappointing to feel like my friend blew off how I was feeling.
i think part of my funk recently has been not being sure who i can trust, who has my best interests at heart, and why i spend time with people who i cannot trust or confide in. I have struggled with my friendships in the past few years, mostly struggling with the people i count as my friends, and not always choosing people who i can trust, and confide in.... ugh i don't know how i feel about this because i cant think of the words to articulate. its just that i have seen some bonds of true friendship in action, and i felt saddened because i don't feel like i have that kind of friendship on that level. the level i am talking about is middle of the night, 24/7, rush to my side, do or die friendships. and i know that its different now because my friends are spread all over the country, but knowing you have those kinds of friends is very comforting, and i am not sure how many of those i have/had. ugh.
i am also in need of re-evaluating my time management, which i feel lacks in the personal growth/spiritual development. i get icky feelings about things that happen in my life, things that i do, and things that i let other people do to me, but i never really give myself the time to digest the information and formulate a solution. mostly i just move forward as best i can. but i want to write this blog as a reflection of my personal journey as i try to figure myself out.
Catching Up
Here are a few posts that I have written over the past few months. Looking back, most of them don't accurately represent how I feel at this time, but I think that is something great about blogging, seeing progress/improvement/perspective changes as time passes and circumstances change :)
Sometimes (most of the time) i hvae so many thoughts running rampant in my head, i get so frustrated and anxious and cant separate any thought long enough to propose a solution to myself about any single issue. then the issue becomes 10 issues, and im so frustrated i can hardly function but to do anything that gets my mind of of my runaway thoughts. this weekend has been one of those times. There are several things giong on, not necessarily issues or problems.
i have been having a struggle with friendships lately. I have learned the hard way over the years that some people are only out to manipulate and make miserable the people in their lives, either to get something they don't have or to simply feel in control over someone else. i am guilty of putting up with this kind of friend for a long time, and it has been a painful process to let go of the things that
people have done to hurt me. I am not innocent in this regard either, there are several occasions that
-- i wish i could rewind and be a better friend, whether it was something hurtful that was said in a careless conversation, listening to a rumor from an untrustworthy source and believing it, and it has end up costing me a lot in terms of trust and loyalty to these people, and somethimes relationships
cannot mend from this type of carelss comment or hurtful actions. I have tried to rectify the situation and currently i am trying to be more aware both of myself in general and the impressions i give off to others, and they way i treat my friends and the way i am treated in return. i was recently disappointed by the behavior of a few "friends" and their actions in multiple situations, and it has made me think about how many "real" friends i have. i think everyone has to define friendships in their own way based on the type of relationship they care to have with their friends. they may not want friends who will tell them the truth, but who will play along with their delusions and tell them what they want to hear. they may not care if a friend will be there for them when they hit rock bottom, just as long as this friend is there to buy drinks and get invited to all the good places. loyalty, willingness to help, and being non judgemental are important things for me to have in a friend. loyalty meaning you arent going to turn on me as ss don as you get a better offer from someone else, that you wont talk about me behind my back, or fail to defend me when someone else says something about me. willingness to help means you wont disappear when i need help moving ,or need a ride to the airport, and you will participate when im doing something and need assistance. willingness to help also means not saying one thing and doing another, making me wait and wonder if you are actually going to show up because you are running on yur own time fram and set of circstances. I understand that thingschaednge and plans need to be adjusted sometimes, but not every time we make plans. being non judgemental means you will try to understand where i am coming from, instead of appying my problems to your own life (which is a natural tendancy i understand), and try to help me find a productive solution to the problem without writing it off as stupid or childish or saying i just need to get over it. I can handle your honest opinion, but only if it comes from a place of caring and understanding, not judgement. i realize that those qualities are not realistic to expect of every friend i have, but i am having a hard time listing people who have all those characteristics. I feel like that reflects badly on my ability to pick true friends, and why i am holding on to relationships that dont offer me what i need. and when you do realize that you arent getting the things you need out of a relationship, how do you go about fixing it? people do not change easily, that is a lesson i have learned but am trying hard to rebel against in my own life, by changing minor things about my personality that i am realizing i dont like. but the desire to change has to come from within and it cant be forced. it feels pretty lonley when you struggle to identify people who you can truly trust and count on, and you are left with mostly close family members.
it feels good to know that you are that friend for somebody, and it can be worth keeping a relationship because you know that person depends on
your good qualities as a friend to them, but there are a lot of relationships where there is no benefit to either party, which is difficult to admit, and difficult to move forward with once you realize this. its frustrating to me that i hve a pretty big circle of friends (work, soccer, high school, college) but there are very few that possess the qualities that i look for in a friend, and try to be as a friend. that circle is greatly diminished when you set friendship standards like you would relationship standards. i struglle with setting relationship standards and stickign to them because the ones that arent like the ones you thought you wanted are usually the fun ones with lots of chemistry. that is a separate post, my frustration about my decisions when it comes to relationships, and the complext i have given myself when it comes to how i feel.
for now i am relieved to unleash some of these friendship thoughts into the world, for feedback or simply for my own reflection should nobody else ever see these words. but now i am tormented by the next steps. first i want to identify the relationships that are beneficial to me and that i feel i offer a benefit to that person. then it is the process of determing which relationships that dont give me what i want are worth putting forth effort for?
it feels selfish and judgemental to be categorizing friends in this way, but also freeing. after attending 2 funerals in the past month, under very different circumstances, i have been thinking about what will matter in the end. to me, as the peron "dying" (not really, knocking on wood now, what is going to matter to me is how i lived my life. did i travel, have adventures, experience disappointment and tragedy and heartbreak and continue to live, did i open myself up to other peeople and let them enrich my life? did i enrich theirs and make an impact? did i do waht i wanted to do instead of waht i thought i shoiuld do? did i define myself in my own terms instead of societys terms? did i tell the people i love that i love them and how much they meant to me?
if i can close my eyes for the last time in this life with yes as the answer to all or most of those questions, nothing else will matter to me. the drama, the frustration ,the anxiety wont matter, because it will have been a life well lived and well loved, and the only person whos questions i will need to respond to in that last moment before going to the place where the only person who REALLY matters is there to welcome me into the kingdom of heaven, are my own and hopefully i am satisfied with my own answers.
wow, that is pretty heavy for a sunday afternoon.
Sometimes (most of the time) i hvae so many thoughts running rampant in my head, i get so frustrated and anxious and cant separate any thought long enough to propose a solution to myself about any single issue. then the issue becomes 10 issues, and im so frustrated i can hardly function but to do anything that gets my mind of of my runaway thoughts. this weekend has been one of those times. There are several things giong on, not necessarily issues or problems.
i have been having a struggle with friendships lately. I have learned the hard way over the years that some people are only out to manipulate and make miserable the people in their lives, either to get something they don't have or to simply feel in control over someone else. i am guilty of putting up with this kind of friend for a long time, and it has been a painful process to let go of the things that
people have done to hurt me. I am not innocent in this regard either, there are several occasions that
-- i wish i could rewind and be a better friend, whether it was something hurtful that was said in a careless conversation, listening to a rumor from an untrustworthy source and believing it, and it has end up costing me a lot in terms of trust and loyalty to these people, and somethimes relationships
cannot mend from this type of carelss comment or hurtful actions. I have tried to rectify the situation and currently i am trying to be more aware both of myself in general and the impressions i give off to others, and they way i treat my friends and the way i am treated in return. i was recently disappointed by the behavior of a few "friends" and their actions in multiple situations, and it has made me think about how many "real" friends i have. i think everyone has to define friendships in their own way based on the type of relationship they care to have with their friends. they may not want friends who will tell them the truth, but who will play along with their delusions and tell them what they want to hear. they may not care if a friend will be there for them when they hit rock bottom, just as long as this friend is there to buy drinks and get invited to all the good places. loyalty, willingness to help, and being non judgemental are important things for me to have in a friend. loyalty meaning you arent going to turn on me as ss don as you get a better offer from someone else, that you wont talk about me behind my back, or fail to defend me when someone else says something about me. willingness to help means you wont disappear when i need help moving ,or need a ride to the airport, and you will participate when im doing something and need assistance. willingness to help also means not saying one thing and doing another, making me wait and wonder if you are actually going to show up because you are running on yur own time fram and set of circstances. I understand that thingschaednge and plans need to be adjusted sometimes, but not every time we make plans. being non judgemental means you will try to understand where i am coming from, instead of appying my problems to your own life (which is a natural tendancy i understand), and try to help me find a productive solution to the problem without writing it off as stupid or childish or saying i just need to get over it. I can handle your honest opinion, but only if it comes from a place of caring and understanding, not judgement. i realize that those qualities are not realistic to expect of every friend i have, but i am having a hard time listing people who have all those characteristics. I feel like that reflects badly on my ability to pick true friends, and why i am holding on to relationships that dont offer me what i need. and when you do realize that you arent getting the things you need out of a relationship, how do you go about fixing it? people do not change easily, that is a lesson i have learned but am trying hard to rebel against in my own life, by changing minor things about my personality that i am realizing i dont like. but the desire to change has to come from within and it cant be forced. it feels pretty lonley when you struggle to identify people who you can truly trust and count on, and you are left with mostly close family members.
it feels good to know that you are that friend for somebody, and it can be worth keeping a relationship because you know that person depends on
your good qualities as a friend to them, but there are a lot of relationships where there is no benefit to either party, which is difficult to admit, and difficult to move forward with once you realize this. its frustrating to me that i hve a pretty big circle of friends (work, soccer, high school, college) but there are very few that possess the qualities that i look for in a friend, and try to be as a friend. that circle is greatly diminished when you set friendship standards like you would relationship standards. i struglle with setting relationship standards and stickign to them because the ones that arent like the ones you thought you wanted are usually the fun ones with lots of chemistry. that is a separate post, my frustration about my decisions when it comes to relationships, and the complext i have given myself when it comes to how i feel.
for now i am relieved to unleash some of these friendship thoughts into the world, for feedback or simply for my own reflection should nobody else ever see these words. but now i am tormented by the next steps. first i want to identify the relationships that are beneficial to me and that i feel i offer a benefit to that person. then it is the process of determing which relationships that dont give me what i want are worth putting forth effort for?
it feels selfish and judgemental to be categorizing friends in this way, but also freeing. after attending 2 funerals in the past month, under very different circumstances, i have been thinking about what will matter in the end. to me, as the peron "dying" (not really, knocking on wood now, what is going to matter to me is how i lived my life. did i travel, have adventures, experience disappointment and tragedy and heartbreak and continue to live, did i open myself up to other peeople and let them enrich my life? did i enrich theirs and make an impact? did i do waht i wanted to do instead of waht i thought i shoiuld do? did i define myself in my own terms instead of societys terms? did i tell the people i love that i love them and how much they meant to me?
if i can close my eyes for the last time in this life with yes as the answer to all or most of those questions, nothing else will matter to me. the drama, the frustration ,the anxiety wont matter, because it will have been a life well lived and well loved, and the only person whos questions i will need to respond to in that last moment before going to the place where the only person who REALLY matters is there to welcome me into the kingdom of heaven, are my own and hopefully i am satisfied with my own answers.
wow, that is pretty heavy for a sunday afternoon.
Facing Fears
I have put off starting this blog because I am afraid. Afraid that what I have to say is not interesting, not relevant and that other people will judge what I have to say. But as I reflect on all my blessings this Thanksgiving, I am reminded that even if those things that I just admitted I am afraid of happen, I am still incredibly lucky :) Here's hoping that this will be the wonderful adventure that all the other blogs I read seem to be for their bloggers.
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