I
have been consistently single for about three years now. I haven't had
a boyfriend, and only a scattering of dates in that time frame
(yikes!). I have been in 2.5 relationships in my life, 2 serious, and
the .5 was a little complicated, so it counts as a half, and I've always ended up in a relationships by
accident and when I was least expecting it. In high school it was all
excitement and butterflies that a popular blonde football player wanted
to date me ;) That lasted through the first semester of college. The
next one, I met a guy in my study abroad program who became my best
friend, and we fell madly in love, and proceeded to have an up and down
relationship for a few
years. The 1/2 relationship was a mess, dating a recent divorcee, full
of infatuation (me), confusion (him) and mixed signals (both). And after
all that, 3 years later, I have become pretty well adjusted to the
single life. And my new concern is that I have become TOO comfortable
being single, and could not handle a relationship if one were to arise.
Of course, I want to find a best friend/partner/husband, have excellent adventures, and have a family, but since my longest stretch of singleness as an
adult was combined with a time in my life where I had to figure lots of
things out about myself (first job, new apartment, traveling etc) has
possibly led me to be too stubborn/independent/solitary to be able to
truly open up to the compromises, lifestyle shifts and sacrifices that
are necessary for a relationship. Holy run on sentence.
I like my life the way it is, working around my own
schedule, doing what I want when I want it, all the time. To quote the
always wise Carrie Bradshaw, be able to do my SSB "Secret Single
Behavior"." The things that you do when you're totally alone, things you
would never want your boyfriend to see you do." No I don't do what
Carrie does and "make a stack of saltines, put grape jelly on them and
eat them standing up in the kitchen reading fashion magazines." (gee, do I watch SATC much?!?) But I do
have certain things I like to do when I am totally alone, which may
include random dance parties, singing along to my musical soundtracks
like Les Mis or the Sound of Music, frantic bouts of
cleaning/organizing, watching trashy TV and many other random things
that occur when no one is around. I love alone time, time to think,
decompress, read, nap blog, watch mindless tv, nap organize, and just be
little old weird me. I am
not sure why I think being in a relationship means the end of all these
things, but its a fear that seems to creep into my mind on occasion. On
a deeper level, I think it is about more than just having less time for
my SSB, I get nervous about the intimacy that comes with being in a
relationship. I am afraid that I am too jaded/guarded/stubborn/selfish
to allow someone to get close, beause I am not used to having that type of relationship, and it will feel like a big change and I don't
like change.
I went through a rough
time near the end of my college relationship, where I realized that I
was emotionally dependent on my boyfriend. When he moved
away, it felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. It
was a really hard lesson to learn, and it still hurts to think about how
much pain I was in at the time, but I vowed never to let myself become
that emotionally attached to someone again. I have done well with that
resolution, but now I am afraid maybe I have done it a little too well,
and built this wall around myself and my heart, that may be too high for
someone to climb....
