Brain Dump (unedited)

its so frustrating to have so many thoughts swirling around in my head,
so many things that need to be sorted out and I can't even get one thought
out coherently. I am struggling with my thoughts, and I dont feel like I
have a moment alone to process them. I love having visitors, but sometimes
I need to be alone instead of always in a bustle of activity, planning, mothering, working, working out, worrying, wondering what comes next, where my life is going and on and on and on. 

I worry too much about what people think, I feel a need to cross everything off the list, I try to make too many people happy, I get annoyed with people so easily, I cant figure out where I want to go with my life, I
am not sure how to deal with my feelings, I feel too much guilt over things I can't control. I don't know that i can tell a good relationship from a bad one, I forget what it feels like to be in love, I am not sure if I will ever meet someone who loves me for who I am, I am afraid to do some things alone,  but then I feel like I am missing out by not doing them. Most of the time I relish my independence and freedom, and sometimes I feel really alone. i feel like I rant and rave more than normal, and that I don't really have a good sounding board to bounce my ideas off of. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, and it is hard to find a sincere listener, even if you are just rambling about crap. I think that's why significant others were created, you are either so infatuated, smitten or in love with the person that you will listen to them ramble about work and stupid day to day crap. Most people dont understand what I do, so its hard for people to relate when I talk about work.  I wish I could let this stuff go, and not have to rant about it to anyone.

I am tired of being the one who has to do everything, who gives into
pressure and tries to make everyone happy. I don't want to feel guilty anymore about what I might be missing out on when I don't do something that someone wants me to. I dont want to mother people who are adults, I dont want to have to always be the entertainer, the planner, the line leader. I deserve to be happy and to be free to make my own choices without guilt. This will be my project with myself. To forgive my mistakes from the past, to look forward with a positive attitude and to do things because they make me happy, and not because someone else thinks I should do it.

This may be selfish, but it bothers me to a point where something needs to change. It is time for me to worry about controlling my own life. It may mean my relationships are changing, but I need to come first. I need to work within my circle of influence, and not within my circle of concern (thank you 7 habits of highly effective people class). This means offering advice when specifically asked, but not offering it unrequested. This means letting people be who they are, and not let it bother me the way it does. It also means not caring so much what people think about me and how I act and what I do.

 I am realizing that I am completely neurotic, and I think I have issues with things that other people can easily skip over. At least because I am within my circle of influence, I can control it to some extent. I just wish I knew where to start. Maybe with letting other people be who they are and not wasting time or energy complaining about them, or letting things they do get under my skin. Next is caring less what people think about me, and focusing on myself, the dreams and plans and moves that I need to be working towards. That seems like enough to occupy me for a while...

Maybe I can use this blog to hold me accountable for making progress.....