Catching Up #2

Tonight marks the end of a rather stressful, sort of strange weekend/week/weekend. I say marks the end as I am hoping next week will be less of a funk.  It started last weekend, I went out of town with my family and I began to feel detached, like I didn't know where I belonged. Not sure who I was, what i was doing or where i was going. i cant figure out exactly what caused it, but it definitely leaked into my work week.

additionally, i had to have an uncomfortable conversation with a guy friend, I won't go into all the details, but this situation had been stressing me out for a few weeks, but i finally reached a breaking point (literally, and at work, thank god for my sweet friend who sat there wide eyed as i hyperventilated and on the verge of tears). but when i brought up the topic with my friend, i was made to feel like my concerns had no merit, and there was no real dialogue involved, and i hung up the phone feeling very confused. It was disappointing to feel like my friend blew off how I was feeling.

i think part of my funk recently has been not being sure who i can trust, who has my best interests at heart, and why i spend time with people who i cannot trust or confide in. I have struggled with my friendships in the past few years, mostly struggling with the people i count as my friends, and not always choosing people who i can trust, and confide in.... ugh i don't know how i feel about this because i cant think of the words to articulate. its just that i have seen some bonds of true friendship in action, and i felt saddened because i don't feel like i have that kind of friendship on that level. the level i am talking about is middle of the night, 24/7, rush to my side, do or die friendships. and i know that its different now because my friends are spread all over the country, but knowing you have those kinds of friends is very comforting, and i am not sure how many of those i have/had. ugh.


i am also in need of re-evaluating my time management, which i feel lacks in the personal growth/spiritual development. i get icky feelings about things that happen in my life, things that i do, and things that i let other people do to me, but i never really give myself the time to digest the information and formulate a solution. mostly i just move forward as best i can. but i want to write this blog as a reflection of my personal journey as i try to figure myself out.